


Professional Distance

by Manalyzer



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s07e16-17 Workforce, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-07-29 18:43:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manalyzer/pseuds/Manalyzer
Summary: Kathryn is having some very interesting memories resurface after she returns from Quarra.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Bizarra for the quick, thorough beta.
> 
> Janewayseyebrow, thanks for always being there to bounce ideas off of, and to let me know when something truly does suck. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters or anything you recognize. I'm just playing with them for a bit.

_"Memory is a tricky thing."  
\- The Doctor_

The first thing she was aware of was the red tint of light passing through her closed eyelids. Screwing her eyes shut tighter, she tried to pull herself back into the black oblivion she’d just come from. Jumbled thoughts rushed through her mind and she fought against an intense wave of nausea that threatened itself.

“Captain,” an overly cheery voice answered her groan. “I see you are coming back to us. How are you feeling?” 

Sighing inwardly, she opened her eyes a bit and peered up at the vaguely familiar man leaning down above her. She recognized him, but she couldn’t place his name. He’d called her captain. That sounded familiar too. Right. 

Struggling, she pushed herself up on the firm bed she’d been laying on. The surrounding room was well lit, each bed filled with another person either sitting looking around dazedly, or still sleeping. A word rose in her mind. Sickbay. She was in sickbay. That would make the man that was hovering unnervingly close to her, the Doctor. 

“I’m fine, Doctor,” she said, and waved a tentative hand in his direction while her other hand found its way to her temple.

“Ah, yes, I can see you are!” He ran a device over her and hummed cheerily. “The headache should dissipate in a few hours, Captain. Not to worry. I’ll give you an analgesic and then send you on your way to your quarters. Commander Chakotay offered to assist you on your walk back. He should be here soon,” he continued as he pressed something against her neck. A brief tingle accompanied the hissing sound, and she rolled her neck away slightly, rubbing at the spot. 

The door to sickbay opened with a swish and she looked up to see the man from the surface stroll in. Chakotay, her mind supplied. Or was it Amal Kotay. Her brows drew together in confusion as she watched him stroll towards her bed. 

“Commander Chakotay, just in time. It appears the Captain is doing as well as can be expected. She’s welcome to return to her quarters so I can free up another bed for more crew members. I’ve arranged for Neelix to assist her in regaining her memories, but for the meantime, I’m sure she’d love the company.” 

Kathryn couldn’t help but keep her eyes trained on the face of this man. His gaze had not moved away from her since he’d walked into the room. There was something about him. She’d felt it down on Quarra, but sitting here under his scrutinizing inspection, she couldn’t help but squirm. Covering the movement to not attract more attention, she scooted to the edge of the bed and gingerly dropped her feet to the floor. Her legs wavered and she felt herself start to collapse until a warm hand moved around her waist. A hot breath tingled against the skin of her cheek and she looked up into the brownest eyes she’d ever seen. Suddenly, the tingle rushed elsewhere. 

“I’ve got you, Captain,” he said, his voice as soft as his gaze on her. He pulled her up to stand and kept his hand around her waist. 

She drew a deep breath and looked up at the doctor. She still didn’t fully understand what was going on, but she felt comfortable with these men. The EMH smiled at her, and started instructing her on her condition and the things to expect over the next 48 hours. His voice dulled in her ears as her body concentrated on the gentle movements of the man's thumb against her waist. Up and down, up and down. She doubted if he even knew he was doing it, but the way it glided across the smoothness of her shirt, rasping against the sensitive skin underneath was causing her breath to come quicker. She cleared her throat. 

“Thank you, Doctor,” she smiled, and moved out of Chakotay’s embrace. “I’m sure I’ll manage.” 

Turning, she carefully crossed the room to the door, the source of her distraction hot on her heels.

=/\=

The awkward silence that had accompanied them on their walk to her quarters continued as the door swished shut behind them and she took in her surroundings. She knew, had been told, these were her quarters, but the items spartanly placed throughout the rooms held no significance for her yet. Taking a few steps, she trailed her fingers over the spines of a few books lovingly placed on a shelf. Her fingers stuttered over the gilded words as she moved across looking at the objects around her.

Behind her, Chakotay cleared his throat, a rough sound in the quiet that had shrouded them. She turned to look at him standing still near the door they’d come in. Her eyebrow twitched slightly, and she saw a small smile play on his lips. 

“Would you like something to drink,” he asked, gesturing to a machine in the corner. “I could replicate some coffee for you.” 

Coffee. She knew that. A hot drink. Bitter and delicious. She fought back a wave of emotion as her mind played images of her first night with Jaffen. She’d made him a hot drink. Had joked about how it was the only thing she knew how to make. 

“I take it you remember coffee,” his voice interrupted her rumination as he interpreted the smile that had formed on her lips as a memory for coffee. Not wanting to explain, she just nodded. 

“That would be wonderful. How do I operate this machine?” She turned and moved towards where he’d gestured. 

He laughed softly and moved quickly to intercept her. “You might want to let me. You don’t have the greatest track record with the replicator.” He turned and ordered her drink. 

She stood behind him, he wedged between her and the - what she now remembered was called - replicator. His body was warm. Heat radiated off him and simmered between them. Somewhere in her mind, she felt a recognition flare brightly, but dimmed as she took a step away and moved towards the seating area. 

He followed her and handed her the silver mug. She looked down into the contents, grateful for a moment of distraction. Reflecting back at her, she saw her face in the brown liquid. She looked open, confused, and mostly tired. 

“Thank you Commander Chakotay,” she said lifting her head up to look at him. He was perched on the arm of the chair beside her, his eyes roaming across her face and hair. The expression he wore was familiar, and she couldn’t stop from letting her gaze return his, caressing over the planes of his face. 

“It's just Chakotay, Kathryn,” he said, smiling at her unguarded. 

“I’ll be sure to remember that.” Her mouth stretched to one side in a lopsided grin and he chuckled at the joke. 

“It will be good to have you back. I’ve got to tell you, this wasn’t my favorite experience.” He tugged on one ear gently and her eyes tracked his hand as it did so. The reaction so achingly recognizable, it was like a word on the tip of her tongue. 

Reaching out, she placed her hand on his chest and his gaze flew back to hers. She took a deep breath as another recognition burst in her mind. Unwittingly, she had touched him, as if she was accustomed. And he didn’t seem to mind. 

“Thank you, Chakotay.” She was surprised to find her voice barely above a whisper. “For everything. I know it must have been a difficult undertaking: finding me. The crew.” 

He reached up and found her hand, entwining his fingers with hers as he pulled it away from his chest. “Kathryn, I once told you I was with you, always. I mean it. I’d have found you anywhere.” 

Her breath caught in her lungs as she looked deeply into his eyes. A spark of something passed between them and she pulled her hand from his grasp in confusion. His eyes closed for a moment as his head dropped towards his chest, pushing his forehead more into her view. Unable to stop herself, she reached out and gently let her fingers trace over the tattoo that whirled around his temple. She didn’t recognize it, but it felt intimate. As if she’d traced it a hundred times. She thought back to her time with Jaffen. She’d performed the same gesture on his forehead, tracing down his brow towards his temple. It had felt normal, mundane, like something she’d always done at the time. Looking back, now she had to wonder, was it an ingrained memory that reasserted itself? Had she been unwittingly looking at Jaffen expecting a tattoo that wasn’t there? 

And if so, why? 

Chakotay looked up through his lashes at her and pulled her hand away from his face. Squeezing it lightly, he stood. She rose up as well, placing her coffee on the table in front of her. 

“Neelix should be by in a bit to help you sort through your memories. He did wonderful with B’Elanna, and I think you’ll be more comfortable with him. I need to get back on the bridge and help get the ship ready. We’re hoping to leave orbit as soon as everyone has been treated.” He moved to the door and looked back at her over his shoulder. Her feet were rooted to the floor as she tried to process the upwelling of emotions and memories that were assaulting her at his presence. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Captain,” he said, taking a step through the door and out into the hall. 

Blinking slowly, she sat back down, reaching for her coffee and downing a large sip of the hot liquid. It burned her tongue and throat as she swallowed, and she could almost blame the tear that slipped down her cheek on the pain. 

Almost.


	2. Chapter 2

The door to her ready room  whooshed open, and he strolled in carrying a small stack of PADD’s under his arm. 

“Chakotay,” she said looking up from her workspace. He stepped up to her desk and dropped the PADD’s unceremoniously onto the surface.    
  


“Kathryn,” he growled, walking around the side of the desk to stand in front of her chair. Reaching down, he pulled her to her feet. She smiled at him and wove her arms around his neck. 

“Well, seems like someone needs to cool off for a bit. Who was it this time? Tuvok? Tom?” She ran her fingers through his hair and laughed as she felt his irritation rumble through him. 

“Tom. This time it was Tom,” he muttered and leaned in to nuzzle her neck. “He asked to switch shifts with me so he and B’Elanna could get together. Told me since I wasn’t getting any it shouldn’t be a big deal if I switch with him.” He peppered the side of her neck with wet kisses and she sighed, tilting her head so he could reach more skin. 

“Oh, well, that is awful. I guess we should probably take care of that  “ not getting any” aspect then,” she drawled out as her eyes slipped shut.    
  


His hands found her waist and pushed her up against her desk. She hopped up onto the surface and pulled him in close, bringing his mouth to hers. Warm, wet heat touched her lips, and she melted into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders tightly to bring him more forcefully against her. 

His hands ran the length of her body, one curving around to squeeze her bottom and the other cupping her breast. She pulled away on a moan as he rolled her nipple between his fingers, the rough scrape of her fabric against the tight skin puckering almost painfully. Nosing away the collar of her undershirt, he sealed his lips to that spot, that spot that he knew always made her whimper. And whimper she did. 

Quickly moving her hands to his fly, she pulled down the fastener and pushed his pants down. Reaching in, she encircled his penis, pumping him until he was fully hard beneath her trembling fingers. He’d been busy as well, divesting her of her shirt and unfastening her pants. He pushed against them and she brought her hips up to shimmy out of her bottoms. Bringing one leg out and wrapping it around his hips, she let the clothing swing from her other leg. She leaned back against the desk, pulling him with her until she felt him heavy and thick against her entrance. He entered her in one swift  motion and groaned against her neck. 

“Kathryn,” he huffed out as he moved inside her. “I love you so much.” 

She smiled and pulled him up to kiss her again, grinding her hips against his. “I love you too Chakotay.” 

  
  
  


She startled awake, pushing up from where she’d fallen asleep on her couch. She gasped as her head swam and her stomach roiled threatening to relieve her of the cup of coffee she’d downed earlier. Her heart was beating rapidly as she shook her head trying to erase the dream she’d just awoken from. Only it didn’t feel as much  like a dream as a memory. Rubbing her forehead she chased away the unsettled feeling the dream.. . memory.. . whatever it was had brought upon her and startled when she heard her door chime. 

“Come in,” she yelled out and stood as a furry yellowed man dressed in a cacophony of colors walked through the door. She smiled as the name came to the surface of her memory. “Neelix.”    
  


He grinned exuberantly, and all but hopped over to her to envelope her in a hug. “Oh Captain, I’m so glad to have you back!”   
  


Returning the hug, she smiled and gripped him hard against her. “I’m happy to be back, Neelix. Though,” she pulled back, her smile faltering. “I’m not all here just yet.” She tapped her forehead twice. 

“Well, I’m sure all of your memories will be returned in no time,” He said, moving away from her. “Would you like me to take you on a tour of the ship? I thought maybe that might jog some neural centers.” He bobbed his head slightly grinning at her. 

“I think that sounds like a good idea. I’d like to familiarize myself with the ship again,” she said, biting her lip. 

“Excellent! I’ve planned out a thorough tour for us this afternoon. First stop, engineering,” he ushered her out the door leaving behind her memories of the dream that had left her so rattled. 

=/\=

The tour had been a definite bolster to her memory. She had started to identify objects and locations, much to Neelix’s surprise. Apparently B’Elanna had not recovered quite as fast as she appeared to be, which had her feeling quite hopeful that this entire ordeal could soon be behind her. She had never liked not being in control, and currently without her memories, she was floundering in confusion. Her memories from Quarra were so vivid. She remembered the sounds, sights, smells and taste of it all. The feel of Jaffen’s caress, the taste of his kiss. Her body heated up thinking of him, and she kept herself from shuddering only by reminding herself that she hadn’t been  _ herself _ . Oh how she longed to be that woman again though. As much as everyone kept telling her she’d feel better soon, feel more herself once again, she couldn’t stop the feeling of remorse when she thought that perhaps she’d been better off on the surface. She’d had a life there. A good job. Excellent lover. A future. What more could a person hope to accomplish in life? 

Their next stop on the tour, and likely last stop for a while, as her head was starting to ache, was the mess hall. 

“Let me get you some coffee, Captain,” Neelix offered and strode to the replicator. Lights were bright in the mess hall, but only a few random crew members were scattered throughout. Usually it was a bustling place, but today, most of the crew were still undergoing memory treatment. It hurt to see her ship so lonely. 

Her ship? 

Yes. 

She was definitely starting to remember the feeling of ownership, of pride being the Captain of  _ Voyager _ . Now, if only she could remember actual tangible things and not broad emotions. 

Shaking her  head, she found an empty table, not hard to do, in the back of the mess hall, and turned to look out the  viewport at the planet below them. 

Loose clouds swirled tightly over the oceans below. It looked so much like Earth, it could have been. Blues blended into greens and browns, all fitting together in oceans, continents, islands. Light glinted off the surface of the sea creating a sparkle that undulated against the currents. It was beautiful. It could have been home. It felt like it. 

Sighing, she turned as Neelix sat down across from her, pushing her mug towards her. In his hand he held a ridiculously bright green drink and took a hearty swallow and she picked up her mug to do the same. 

“It’s a beautiful planet, isn’t it Captain,” he gestured over her shoulder to the world outside the window.    
  


“It is,” she nodded and looked back at it for a moment. “But, it’s not Earth. It does resemble it a bit though.” 

Comfortable silence stretched between them as they slowly drank their beverages. The coffee was hot, but she was getting used to it. The smell brought a contented sigh from her soul. There was  relief and contentment melded with the scent. It smelled like home. Nothing on Quarra had been quite like coffee. 

“Do you want to talk at all Captain? Perhaps about  some of the crew? Exploration that we’ve done?”

She smiled. “Yes, tell me more about my crew. What about my family?” 

“I don’t know much about your family, except that your mother is Gretchen, and you have a sister named Phoebe. You grew up in a place called Indiana on Earth. You mentioned that it was a cold place, but you loved it. You said the snow used to be your favorite thing, but later in life you changed your mind. I’m not sure why.” He admitted. 

A flash of a cold white landscape surged through her mind and she grasped at her head, fighting against the pain it brought with it. A shuttle. Sinking beneath the surface of an icy lake. Shaking her head, she pushed the memory back and sealed it behind a closed door. She’d have to come back to that later. It didn’t feel like something she wanted to remember. 

“Are you okay, Captain?” Neelix’s voice was thick with worry. 

She held up a hand. “I’m fine, Neelix. Just a headache.” 

He picked at his fingernail a moment, “Perhaps we should head back to your quarters so you can rest.” 

Shaking her head, she said, “No, I’m really okay. Please tell me about my crew. Who am I close with?” 

Neelix grinned for a moment. “Well Captain, I consider you a friend, I think most of your senior staff does.  They are who you spend the most time with, when you socialize at least, which isn’t much of course. A captain’s work is never done, is what you say.” 

It didn’t really feel like something she’d say, but she must have at some point. 

“I think the two you are closest to are Lieutenant Commander Tuvok and Commander Chakotay. You’ve known Mr. Tuvok for well over 20 years, and Commander Chakotay has been by your side for almost 7 years, ever since he came aboard Voyager after you both were stranded here in the Delta Quadrant.” Neelix continued rattling off information, but her attention drifted to the door off to the side of the room where Chakotay had just come in with the younger woman, B’Elanna. They were talking to each other, both faces drawn in worry until B’Elanna touched his arm and nodded in her direction. His gaze filtered up to her and he smiled widely, bright white teeth shining between twin dimples. 

A memory surged to the forefront of her mind, assaulting her senses and making her gasp out loud. The two of them, her back pushed up against the  viewport to the side of the darkened mess hall, as he kneeled between her bare legs bringing wave after wave of pleasure crashing over her. His tongue and hands moving over her, in her, her back arched, unable to contain the sheer cry of ecstasy that tumbled from her lips as she clenched around his searching fingers. 

“Captain. Captain!” Neelix was shaking her hand on the table. 

She tore her gaze from Chakotay as he turned to leave the room with B’Elanna in  tow and looked to Neelix. Her breathing was rapid, her pulse even more so and there was a decided  heat tantalizingly low in her belly. 

“Neelix, tell me something,” her voice low and gravelly. “Just how close are Chakotay and I?”

He  looked flustered for a moment and pulled back from her. “Well, I’d say you are as close as two people can really be. You depend on each other, fight for each other. When one of you is sick, the other is always there in  sickbay as well.” 

She nodded. “Thank you Neelix. I think I understand.” She looked over at the spot where she’d remembered them in their intimate embrace and her stomach clenched in recognition. “I think I’m ready to go back to my quarters now.  The rest would probably do me good.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, these characters don't belong to me. I'll put them back where I found them in a bit. 
> 
> Thanks to Bizarra for the beta!

The continuous hum of Voyager lulled her in that comfortable space between wakefulness and sleep, a place she’d become most familiar with throughout the night. After her tour with Neelix, she’d come back to her quarters for quiet respite. For a few hours, she’d sat on the couch listening to her voice extol the voyages of her crew, their missions, both successful and not, her professional logs tempered with pride at the stunning achievement of making it this far in so few years. 

Randomly, she’d opened up a personal log, but after just a few minutes of listening to her own voice recall a -what could only be termed - romantic moonlight sail on the holodeck with Chakotay, she’d switched off the recording and flung herself onto the bed in hopes that sleeping would bring her memory back quicker. 

And memories were definitely brought back. She flushed as she recalled the vivid dreams she’d awoken from throughout the night. Images of her sprawled out on the floor of a sailboat, Chakotay above her thrusting in time with the gentle lapping of the waves; a lone shuttle stranded on a distant planet, the two of them entwined against the consoles as it beeped its protest against them. Gentle kisses against her skin, her fingers tenderly tracing his tattoo. 

Curling her hand, she rubbed her fingertips against her palms, scratching away the itch that had developed at that last memory. She sighed and flung the cover off her as she turned to sit up. She looked out at the planet through her viewport. The longer she was away from it, the more the feeling like she belonged there faded. Her mind was eager to leave, to get away from this and move on. However, her heart was torn. These new memories had brought forth conflicting feelings, not just for her life, but for Chakotay, and she couldn’t help but feel guilty. As if she was betraying someone. However, she wasn’t sure if the guilt was towards Chakotay or Jaffen.

Letting out another frustrated sigh, she stood and made her way to the computer console, noting the small blinking indicator that signalled she had a waiting message. She tapped the icon and drew in a short breath as Jaffen’s face popped up on the screen. Before she knew what she was doing, she turned it off and stepped away. Right now, she couldn’t bear to see his face, or hear his voice. She’d listen to it, but later. 

Later. 

Right now, she needed to check in with the doctor for the day, and see what her first officer had gotten up to in her absence. 

=/\=

The visit with the doctor had gone well, even if he’d seemed surprised at her early arrival. She got the impression that he’d not expected her to come at all. Perhaps that was the case with whom she’d been in the past. It concerned her that her memories weren’t returning as quickly as they should. However, the doctor had assured her that she was right on track and that perhaps today she’d be able to retrieve more. Neelix was currently in the mess hall cooking breakfast, so she’d decided to take a tour on her own and headed to the bridge itself. She hoped that perhaps being where the action was would help her to remember quicker. 

Stepping out of the turbolift, she was surprised to see only a few people milling around, most running hands over equipment but had that recognizable dazed expression on their faces. She wondered if she had a mirror, would she see a similar look on her own face? 

“Captain on the bridge,” came a voice to her left and she turned to see a young man smiling back at her. 

She smiled as she realized she knew him. He’d been in sickbay earlier with stomach problems. “Thank you, Mr. Kim.” 

His grin widened as he nodded his head back to her. “It’s good to have you back, Captain.” 

She strode down the steps towards her chair, and towards Chakotay who had stood at Harry’s announcement. “It’s good to be back,” she paused, a self-cajoling half-smirk on her face. “Well, mostly.” 

Chakotay smiled at her as she turned towards him and she felt that familiar flutter in her stomach before she quelled it and forced another smile back to him. “You’re supposed to be resting, Captain.” He dipped his head down towards her, his voice dropping low to keep his statement private even with so few crew members around. 

She lifted a hand and shook her head, “I know, Commander. I’m not here in an official capacity.” She looked around the bridge which was at once familiar and new to her. “I’m just hoping that seeing the bridge and my ready room will knock some more sense into me.” She turned back to see him tracing his eyes over her hair and down across her face. Flushing, she swallowed hard. It wasn’t that his attention wasn’t wanted, but combined with the flashes of memories she’d been getting since yesterday, the heated gaze he was throwing her way was warming her in ways she’d rather not think about right now. Not until her memory was fully restored. 

“That sounds like a good plan, Kathryn,” he said, bringing his hand up to usher her towards the door behind her. Her ready room. She was starting to remember the layout of key areas of the ship. 

Moving into the room, she felt him behind her and turned to quirk an eyebrow at him. He strode past her towards the replicator and ordered some drinks. He moved in such a way that it felt like he belonged in the room, that he was an extension of it. His confident stride and manner made her pause as she pushed back the first memory of them writhing against her desk as it tried to rush into the forefront of her mind. With unsteady hands, she took the mug of coffee from his outstretched arm. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, having trouble bringing back the fortitude to her voice from just a few moments earlier. She moved past him up onto the landing and sat heavily onto the couch. Cradling the coffee mug in her hands, she took a deep breath of the aroma, letting the steam seep into her skin. 

She felt the seat beside her sink down and looked up to meet his eyes. He was looking at her with a mixture of concern and something less definable. His kind eyes shone brightly from his face and she couldn’t help but drown in them for a moment. Lifting her hand, she moved to his temple. Her fingertip barely grazed the half circle at the bottom of his tattoo when his eyes blinked closed. 

“May I,” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. His answering nod buoyed her confidence and she traced up his smooth skin, over the intersecting lines and around the pattern over his brow. She remembered her thoughts when he’d transformed his face in the dark room of her apartment back on Quarra. The initial recognition that they were the same species, but the subtle follow up as she realized the inky tattoo that stood against his temple in simple contrast to the bronze skin was familiar. More familiar than it had any business being. 

She felt more than heard his juddering intake of breath and followed the lines from his temple back down to his eyes to see them once again fully gazing at her. 

“I remember this.” Her fingers moved of their own accord, gently smoothing down his temple to his cheek. She felt the scrape of his five o’clock shadow against the palm of her hand as it came to rest against his cheek fully. His eyes locked with hers and she blinked slowly, feeling the pressure of his face in her hand. 

“Kathryn,” his voice was lower than it had been. 

_“Ensign Kim to Commander Chakotay.” _

She huffed out a small laugh and dropped her hand, dispelling the intimacy that had settled over them. “I remember that too. Being interrupted. A lot.” 

He sighed with a small smile and tapped his comm badge. “Go ahead, Ensign.” 

_“I’m sorry to interrupt, Commander, but we have an incoming transmission from the Quarran Ambassador.” _

He looked at her for a moment and then stood. “I’m on my way.” 

As the door closed behind him, she took a sip of her forgotten coffee and looked around the room, her gaze once again landing on her desk. She could see them clearly, wrapped around each other as they both raced to find their bliss. Her memory served to bring the confessions of love from them both and she shivered at the absolute feeling of one-ness, of being cherished that came with the memory. 

She was unsure why he’d only admitted to being friends back on Quarra. Perhaps he’d only been trying gently to tip her memory to him. Maybe he had been afraid that too much information would have pushed her further away. 

Whatever it was, she was certain now. Based on her memories, as well as the moment they’d just shared, she was completely and inexorably in love with him. 

And he with her.

=/\=

That evening, she laid awake in her bed, letting the memories sweep over her again and again. There would be no fighting them anymore. Instead, she basked in the intimacy they created, the all encompassing feeling of being valued, wanted, desired.

One memory in particular skidded around her mind over and over, so she chose to reflect on it alone for a while.

They were here, the two of them, laying spooned together in her bed. The quiet surroundings created a pleasant halo of contentment around them. The stars outside the viewport flew past them as they travelled, inexhaustibly, towards home. 

His breath warmed the back of her neck as he pulled her closer against him. The bare length of his body met the bare length of hers and she felt the beginnings of his arousal prod against her backside. She pushed back into him, and smiled as she felt him grow heavier at the contact. 

“Kathryn,” he whispered, not wanting to break their peaceful bubble any more than she did. His tongue snaked out to trace down the length of her neck to her shoulder. She breathed out a groan as he bit down on the muscle where her shoulder and neck met, his teeth pressing firmly into her skin. 

His fingers traced up from where his arm was wrapped around her stomach, tickling a path to her aching breasts. He rolled a nipple roughly between his fingers, and then let up to gently brush his palm over the puckered, sensitive flesh. The air whooshed out of her lungs as she arched into his hand, her head thrown back to rest on his shoulder as he lifted his head up, bracing it against his fist to look down at her. 

“God, you’re gorgeous,” he whispered. For a man of not many words, she was always intrigued at how expressive he was in these moments together. It seemed at odds to his personality, and yet completely expected. 

His fingers tripped over the rippling of her stomach as she arched further into him as they made their way past her navel and slipped into the wet heat of her. She gasped as a finger parted her folds and made contact with their goal. He swept his fingertip over her clit gently at first, and then dipped further down, gathering her spilled fluid onto him and bringing it back up to circle her more firmly. She shuddered at the exquisite feeling and drew in a stuttering breath. 

“So wet.” His voice always made her tingle, but now was a huskier, deeper version. She knew that he enjoyed making her feel good. He always made her feel completely and utterly wrapped together with him, always telling her in actions and in words how she made him feel. It was unlike any other man she’d been with. They’d all been silent and in turn, she’d tried to be as well. Her breath stuttered as she recalled how his vocalizations, his moans and pants, always brought the more expressive side of her out as well. 

He buried his face in her neck as he thrust rhythmically against her back in time with his movements on her clit. It never failed; he could bring her to the precipice of bliss so quickly. Almost too quickly, he knew her so well. 

He shifted slightly, and she felt him enter her. His shallow thrusts hit against the front wall inside and she shivered at each nudge against it. His fingers continued to circle her, and she knew she wouldn’t last much longer. She could already see the white light dancing in the corners of her eyes as she squeezed them shut against the barrage of ecstasy. 

“Chakotay,” she breathed out. “So good.” She pushed back against him, letting him slip ever so further inside. Her inner walls contracted and she felt the spiral of her impending orgasm as he moved quicker against her. How the hell did she live without this for so long?

“Let go,” he whispered, biting down on her shoulder once more. 

Her orgasm tore through her as she shuddered from head to toe. She cried out on an exhalation, her body tense and shaking. He moved quicker into her, his thrusts growing harder. 

She leaned her head back against his shoulder, and turned her face into his neck, gently nipping at his pulse point. 

“Chakotay,” she whispered as she felt him shatter inside her. The hot, wet, rush coating her inner walls had her twitch slightly in response. He turned his head to look down at hers where she was braced against his lower arm and leaned down to capture her lips in a searing kiss. 

She pulled back and looked at his darkened face, mesmerized that they were here together. 

“I’m so happy you’re with me.” Her voice trembled slightly at the gravity of the moment, the feelings she had for this man. 

He smiled and gently brushed an errant strand behind her ear. 

“Always,” he breathed as he descended once again to her lips to take her breath away. 

Somewhere in the night, Kathryn Janeway sighed happily in her sleep and rolled over, immersing herself fully in the memories that washed over her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters aren't mine. 
> 
> Thanks Biz and cheile for the beta.

The bridge lights were low, the only illumination coming from the glow of the consoles surrounding her. It was unusual to be alone on the bridge, but for some reason, as she stood against the railing looking out into the vastness of space, it felt right. She sighed as she leaned against the rail and heard the hiss of the turbolift doors and the feel of someone walking up behind her. Instinctively, she knew who it was without needing to turn around. As his arms wrapped around her waist, she smiled and pushed back against him lightly. 

Her breath caught in her throat as he nuzzled against her neck, his lips tracing over the pulse point below her jaw. She leaned away from him, stretching her neck to give him easier access and gently pushed back against him, feeling the beginnings of his arousal press into her. He hummed against her neck. She raised her arm to encircle his head and pull him more firmly down to her, her fingers tangling in his dark hair as she ran her nails against his scalp. 

He rubbed himself against her bottom and she felt one of his hands slowly dipping below the waistband of her pants. His fingers traced ever so slowly, lower until she gasped as they brushed against her through her underwear.

Biting her lip, she pushed down against his hand and felt him move her underwear out of the way to get to her fully, without barriers. She felt surrounded by him. He was everywhere at once: around her, behind her, inside her now. Her body flushed as she felt the beginnings of her climb towards ecstasy and leaned her head back until it was balanced against his shoulder. Embarrassingly quick, he had her shuddering, teetering on the edge of bliss. As she felt herself fall headfirst into the abyss, he gently bit her ear lobe and she whimpered quietly. 

“Marry me, Kathryn,” he whispered into her ear. “Marry me.”

Her eyes slowly opened and a small smile played at her lips. Her latest memories wallowed about in her head and she couldn’t help but feel the immense feelings of peace and security they brought forth. Throughout the day before, she’d regained most of her memories of the ship, her crew, her life before Voyager. She had flashes of many past experiences with Chakotay and now, seeing what he meant to her, what they meant to each other, she recognized the pain she’d seen in his eyes on Quarra. 

As much as she missed Jaffen, those memories were fading bit by bit, being replaced with the warmth of existing memories of her life. Before they’d started coming back, she’d been hesitant to think that a life aboard a starship could be any better than a life on Quarra with a man she loved. Knowing what she knew now, she knew she could never go back. She’d invite Jaffen up this afternoon to say goodbye; he deserved that. Then, they’d start back on their journey home, with Chakotay by her side where he should be. 

Making her way into the bathroom, she activated the sonic shower and dropped her nightgown to the floor. As the sonic waves pulled the sweat and grime from the last 24 hours off her skin, she trailed her hands across her body, following the track Chakotay had made in her latest memory. Her nipples ached to be touched, and as she squeezed them gently, she couldn’t help herself from gasping his name out as a whisper. 

This morning, she’d confront him. Tell him that she remembered it all. Return to his arms, his love, and finally feel that safe shelter once again.

=/\=

After a quick trip to sickbay to confirm that she was well on her way to being reintegrated fully, and to make sure the Doctor stayed off her case for a while, she made her way to the mess hall. Ordering a cup of coffee, she smiled over at Neelix. The Talaxian grinned back and made his way over to her, wiping his hands against the apron he wore to protect his garish outfit.

“Good morning, Captain,” he greeted as he drew closer. “You seem to be in good spirits this morning.” 

She grinned wider, “Oh I am, Neelix. My memory is almost fully back and I’m starting to feel the agitation to get this show on the road and head back towards Earth.” She placed a hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I can’t thank you enough for all your assistance these last few days. You’ve been a tremendous help.” 

He puffed his chest out a bit and ran his hands down it in appreciation. “Well, I’m glad I could be of service. Commander Chakotay and I had chatted at length about who should be the one to help you regain your memories, but he thought with your history that it might be best to separate himself from the situation until you were back to normal. Plus, he did have a lot to do running the ship on such a small crew, as well.” 

She looked down into her coffee mug, unable to refrain from allowing her smile to take over her face. Checking her expression a bit, she looked back at Neelix. “Speaking of Commander Chakotay, I’d like to do something special for him as well. I was thinking of inviting him to lunch. I seem to remember being a bit low on replicator rations, so I was hoping you had something special planned for today’s menu that I could take back to my quarters.” 

Neelix looked around mischievously before returning his gaze to her. “I think I have just the thing, Captain. Follow me.”

=/\=

The door chimed right as she set the finishing touches to the table. When she’d commed him to invite him to lunch, he’d seemed a little shocked but had graciously accepted, much to her delight. As it was lunch, she’d chosen to forego their usual candles, and the lights in her cabin weren’t quite as low as she’d generally have them. Still, though, she’d made sure the atmosphere was comfortable and intimate. She had many things to talk with him about, but first wanted to make sure that he enjoyed his lunch.

“Come,” she called as she stood back from the table and turned to see him. 

He entered, a smile on his face as he took in the surroundings. She’d set the table with bowls for their soup, a carafe of water, and a single peace rose in the center of the table. Gentle piano music tickled its way through the air from the speakers placed around her quarters. 

“What’s all this?” He asked, his gaze landing back on her. 

She shrugged and waved him over to sit while she went to unpack the soup. “Think of it as a thank you, for taking care of things while myself and the rest of the crew are recovering.” She turned and started to spoon the soup into the bowls. “Or just think of it as me wanting to spend time with you.” She smiled as he looked up at her. “I’ve missed you.” 

He smiled back at her, “I missed you too, Kathryn. It’s not the same running the ship without you. For one, the reports themselves are overwhelming.” 

She laughed as she sat down across from him after spooning her own serving into a bowl. “So I take it you’re not planning a mutiny any time soon?” 

“Well, you never know what the future holds.” His humorous quip brought another chuckle from her. He turned down to his soup, a small frown of confusion on his face. “What is this?”

She took a bite, marvelling at the smooth flavor. “Its mushroom soup. Or, well, the Quarran equivalent to a mushroom. I had Neelix make it especially for our lunch once he showed me the crate he’d received.” She licked the back of her spoon and looked up at him. His expression was slack, the beginnings of a smile dancing at the corners of his lips. But his eyes, his eyes were dark and deep. When he smiled at her, finally, she felt her mouth go dry even with the flavor of the mushroom soup swirling around. 

“You had him make mushroom soup for me?” He asked, his voice soft and low. 

“Well, I certainly couldn’t make it,” she joked, trying to quell the intense moment that settled around them. “I wanted to show you just how thankful I am for everything you did. Everything you do.” 

An adorable blush crept its way up his cheeks and she beamed at the fact that she’d put it there. 

A comfortable silence settled over them as they both tucked in to their soup, and fresh Talaxian wheat rolls she’d helped Neelix make this morning. They talked about the ship and the status of the rest of the crew. She was delighted to know that they were all on the road to full recovery, with some crew members already fully reintegrated and back at their stations. 

As their conversation trailed to a comfortable silence, she took a sip of water and looked at him over the rim of her glass. He smiled back at her gaze, and she blinked, setting the water down. 

“I did want to discuss something that’s been bothering me.” She leaned forward in her seat, placing her hand against her cheek and resting her arm on the table. His eyes tracked her movement and his tongue came out to moisten his lips as his gaze traced her hand delicately poised against her cheekbone. She licked her lips in response and looked at him through her lashes.

“Ah, I figured there was something else you wanted to talk about.” He leaned forward across the table towards her. 

She nodded gently. “As you know, I’ve regained most of my memories. I remember my childhood, my career, the crew,” she paused. “And you.” 

His brows drew together infinitesimally. “Okay.” He drew the word out. 

So she’d have to be the one to broach the subject. 

“Back on Quarra, when you revealed yourself to me, you told me that I wasn’t just your Captain, but that we were friends.” She paused, and he nodded. “I’m just wondering why you didn’t tell me the truth.” 

“The truth,” he repeated, shaking his head, his eyes wide and trained upon her. 

She huffed in exasperation and stood. “Oh for god’s sake, Chakotay. Yes, the truth.” She turned and walked away, swinging back around to face him. “Why didn’t you tell me we were lovers?” 

His expression would be comical, if it weren’t such a serious moment. His face paled and his jaw went slack. When his response came, his voice was a squeak, “Lovers?”

Confused, she turned and walked to the viewport. She rubbed her hand on her head, her headache she’d fought a few days ago slamming back full force. 

“I remember it all,” she said, her voice hoarse as she bared her soul to him. “I remember making love to you in my ready room, you telling me how much you love me. The mess hall, late at night so no one would catch us. I remember the shuttle where you pinned me up against the console.” She looked back at him. “Last night, I remember you proposing on the bridge. It was just you and me. I remember it all.” 

Chakotay stared at her for a moment and then looked down slightly, a tinge of embarrassment on his face. “Kathryn, those aren’t memories.”

“Of course they are,” she scoffed. “They are as real to me as any other memory I’ve gotten back.” Confused at his denial she turned to look out the viewport once again, down to the planet below. She heard him stand and make his way slowly across the room, advancing towards her hesitantly, as if she were a wild animal.

“No, they aren’t,” he whispered as he stopped a few feet behind her. “I think you are remembering fantasies, not reality.” 

She whirled around to face him. “Why on earth would I be remembering fantasies? Everything else I’ve recalled has been real. Did something happen between us?” She took a step towards him as he shook his head. “Chakotay, why are you denying this? I love you. You love me.” She dipped her head down to look into his down-turned eyes. “I see the way you look at me. You want me.”

He swallowed and looked up and she could see the shine of unshed tears in his eyes. “I will always want you, Kathryn, but I’m telling you, these aren’t memories, no matter how much I wish they were. We’ve never passed the bounds of friendship and colleagues.” 

She shook her head, unsure of why he would be denying what she knew with absolute certainty to be truth. “There is no way that I can feel the way that I feel towards you and know the way you feel about me and it just be a friendship.” She was so confused. 

“Parameters,” he whispered.

Suddenly, it all came shooting back to her. An ancient legend. A hand gripping hers across a divide. A tear rolling down her cheek. A crackling transmission signalling an unexpected return to duty. Responsibility. Weight. Guilt. 

Solitude. 

She screwed her eyes shut against the explosion of memories, this time real memories. She wasn’t looking in on these instances with him, but instead looking out at him. Walking close together in the halls, reveling in each brush of their arms. Gentle chest pats and soft shoulder touches. Lingering gazes across the room. Beautiful dinner tables that only signified the distance between them. Lips that begged to be kissed. Skin that cried out to be caressed. Boundaries that were never, and could never be crossed. 

Her legs gave out, and she toppled to the floor like a house of cards precariously perched on the edge of a table. He moved to comfort her, squatting down, but she put a hand up, pushing him away. 

“Kathryn, let me help you,” he pleaded. 

She shook her head. “No. Please,” she whispered trying to keep the waver from her voice and failing miserably. “Chakotay, please leave.” 

“Kathryn,” he whispered again. 

“Get out,” she commanded with everything she had in her and was rewarded by the sound of her door hissing shut a few moments later. 

Alone, she allowed her tears to come. Everything she’d thought, everything she’d KNOWN, all withered away with that one small word: Parameters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Biz and Cheile for the quick betas
> 
> Not mine, don't own anything. Just having fun.

The rest of the afternoon had passed by in a dull slow pace. After she’d picked herself off the floor, she’d contacted Tuvok to tell him to get the crew ready to depart from Quarra that evening. She’d not spend any more time here than necessary. Her experiences here had not only served to open the wound of her self imposed solitude but also pick the scab of her desire for a love life. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that a romance wasn’t in the cards for her while she was captaining a ship stuck more than halfway across the galaxy. She couldn’t have the distraction of that weighing over her head as she made important life or death decisions every day. But, oh how she wished she could be different. If anything, her fantasies of Chakotay proved that she needed someone.

Jaffen had been that someone for a time. She could, with complete clarity, remember her time with him on Quarra. It may not have been real, but it had felt real enough all the same. She had been happy. Blissfully so, until she’d been wrenched from that half life and returned to her ship. Somewhere deep inside, she did harbor some resentment at being removed from that existence and put back where she belonged, even if she knew it wasn’t what her life was supposed to be. 

Oh Jaffen. He would be here soon enough. She’d had Harry contact him to invite him up to say goodbye. In the depths of her soul, she knew saying goodbye to him, wouldn’t just be to him specifically, but to any hope of a future on board Voyager as well. She was well and truly alone, out here. Yes, that was the way it had to be, but oh she would miss the companionship. The love. 

The door hissing open behind her startled her out of her reverie and she turned to look at Jaffen as he walked into the room. He looked so handsome, and she had to fight the urge to go to him. Instead, she straightened her back and tightened her fist. 

“I can see why you'd rather live here,” he said in greeting, and she saw that he was trying to lighten the mood of their farewell. 

“I'd offer you a position. I could always use another skilled Engineer. But as the captain, it wouldn't really be appropriate for me to...” she trailed off, unable to put into words her thoughts at the moment. 

“Fraternise with a member of your crew,” he offered, and she nodded slightly. He took a step towards her and she could finally see his face in the dim light of her quarters. “Well, at least my memories weren't tampered with. According to the medical reports, I really did come to Quarra looking for a better life. And now that I've been promoted, I guess I've succeeded.” 

She took a step towards him, her voice rising slightly in interest. “Promotion?” 

He dropped the bag she just noticed on his shoulder, to the floor. “They had to replace our shift supervisor. Something about acquiring workers illegally.” His voice held a tinge of humor and she silently thanked him for it. 

“Congratulations. You deserve it.” And he sincerely did. He was such a good man. She only wished that life would bring everything he ever desired to him. 

He pilfered through the bag and brought out a few mechanical pieces she’d collected in her apartment. “I thought you might like these back, to remind you of our time together.” 

His sentiment hit her like a ton of bricks. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. “I won't need souvenirs to remember you.” Try as she might, she couldn’t stop the sting of tears as they formed in her eyes. He looked up at her and stood, opening his arms. 

She flung herself into his embrace, as a tear tracked its way down her cheek. No, she didn’t need souvenirs to remember him. She’d never forget this experience and the heartbreak it brought with it. Never would she forget the absolute gut wrenching knowledge of what could have been, but never was. What isn’t and never would be. Not as long as she had a crew to get home. 

She was alone.

=/\=

The turbolift doors opened to the bridge and she once again stepped out on the deck. This time, there were no smiles, only hesitation. She’d not seen Chakotay since her explosive confession, and she was slightly embarrassed at the potential fallout. However, she put it behind her and hoped that he would as well. They’d become skilled at hiding their feelings, keeping things that belonged in the past in the past, and not mentioning anything that might tip the delicate balance of their relationship. It seemed that he didn’t want to upset the status quo as much as she, and she only hoped that this incident would never be brought up again.

“Captain on the bridge,” Ensign Kim announced and she let her gaze drift to him, not offering any smile this time. 

She slowly made her way down the steps to her chair, mindful that all eyes were on her. Looking at Chakotay was difficult, but his face was open and honest as ever. It appeared he would indeed be forgetting everything she had admitted earlier that morning. Hesitantly, she wondered if that did make her feel better, but decided that it didn’t matter. It needed to be done. Lowering herself into her chair, she looked over at him. 

“Ready to go?” His voice rang like a clear bell against the confusion and turmoil that still battled in her mind. 

She turned back to look out the viewscreen at the planet pirouetting below. “It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home.” Her voice was low and she swallowed thickly. “If you hadn't come after me, I never would've known that I had another life.”

“Are you sorry I showed up?”

She turned towards him and knew his question was not only regarding her exile from Quarra, but also everything she’d experienced the past few days. Was she sorry for any of it? Was she sorry that she’d chosen, albeit there really was no choice, to remain on Voyager and see their crew home? Chosen to stay the course and not pursue the desires of her heart? With him by her side, she knew, even if she didn’t have the relationship she so clearly wanted, it would be enough. For now. 

“Not for a second. Resume course, Mister Paris.”

And maybe, just maybe, one day, things could be different. Until then, she’d keep her professional distance. 

But when that day finally came, and she knew it would one day, all bets were off. 

Smiling slightly, she watched as the planet below moved out of view and she saw the light of distant stars streak past them as they resumed their journey home. And with it, all the promises that home held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it wasn't the happy ending a lot of you guys were looking for, but I do prefer to work within canon as much as I can, and well, considering what we all know happens at the end of the season, they couldn't have a happy ending. However, I do have a post endgame fic in the works that might be a continuation of sorts to this story. Because, how can they admit to these things and that just never come up again, am I right? 
> 
> I hope you aren't too upset at this ending. Thank you all so much for your amazing comments and kudos. They mean SO much!


End file.
